Once you have decided to adopt a baby/child and filled out the initial application you are telling the adoption attorney attorney or adoption agency that you choose, that you have definitively decided to use their services.

There is an overwhelming amount of paperwork that must be completed and reviewed before you wishes to adopt are presented to any birthmother working on an adoption plan. The agency or attorney has an obligation to ensure that all the paperwork is completed and reviewed, background checks are completed, references are verified, and interviews have been performed and noted and an official home study report is typed up by the social worker assigned to your adoption case. Home study fees vary by agency or attorney. Prices can range from $700 to $2,500 and are generally due when the home study is completed.

Depending on the agency or attorney that you choose to represent you, will determine how in-depth the home study will be. Some home studies are very basic such as how long you have been married, your race, your upbringing, your religious beliefs, your employment, your income, etc. A more in-depth home study will give the birthmother a better understanding of you, your motives to adopt, your beliefs, and your ability to be the best choice of parents for her baby. The social worker assigned to your case will conduct several interviews, some with both prospective parents present, and some with each individual prospective parent. The social worker will also interview anyone else that resides in your home and will reside in your home after placement of the child.

If you are the birthparent, and making an adoption plan for your baby, you should use an agency or attorney that gives you information on the prospective adopting parents and their findings after conducting the home study. They will not disclose personal information, however, they should be able to give you basic information about prospective parents and a general summary of the home study performed. If you have problems getting this information, the agency or attorney that you have chose may not be the best choice for your adoption plan.

A home study can seem overwhelming to most going through the adoption process. They are fearful of the unknown. Will the agency or attorney like us, will they think that we are suitable parents for a baby, is our home good enough, will they reject us because of our views on discipline, religion, child rearing, etc. Because of the enormous responsibility of parenting a child, the agency or attorney representing you needs to ensure the birth parents that you are a great choice as prospective parents to their baby and they foresee no issues that would make you undesirable adoptive parents.

Many areas are investigated through the home study process. The first being a criminal background check which also includes a check to ensure that you were not suspected or charged with child abuse in the past.

The social worker will also ask many questions in order to determine if you are emotionally and financially able to adopt a child. Your motivation to adopt is one of the key areas discussed. They will ask discuss and ask about your infertility issues and if you have explored and processed your emotions surrounding any infertility issues you have experienced.

Through the home study process the social worker will request that you each write out your autobiography. This can seem very overwhelming and daunting at first. You are not sure of how in-depth the autobiography should be, what to include and not include, what relationships you should write about, etc. The best course of action is to simply sit down and write out your story, honestly, in a way that summarizes your life and your self. Include items such as your family and the relationships that you have with them, your upbringing, good and bad experiences in your life and how you have dealt with each, etc. Write your autobiography as though you are introducing yourself, your life, and your life experiences and how these experiences have made you who you are today.

The social worker will assess your marriage also. If there were a previous marriage they will ask for the detail of the marriage, why it was dissolved, what lessons were learned that helps them to make the current marriage a success, etc. They will also investigate your current marriage; it’s length and stability. They will want to know how each of you deal with differences, how you deal with life’s up and downs, if you are agreement about disciplining of your future child, etc. They know that not all marriages are perfect. If described as a “perfect marriage”, they will know that the truth is not being presented. They are looking to make sure that your marriage can withstand the emotional ups and downs of adopting and raising an adoptive child.

The home study will need to include your financial status such as your income, job stability, satisfaction with your current job, and your assets. A couple is not required to have a six-figure income to adopt. You do not need to live in a fancy home with designer furniture and drive new cars. They are just interested in knowing that you have the financial resources to care and provide for a child.

The type of baby/child that you are interested in adopting is discussed. What age baby/child you want to adopt, what ethnicities are you open to, the possible medical, emotional, and psychological issues that may be present or in the child’s future. Another issued that is discussed is your expectation of the birth mother’s medical and psychological conditions. Did the birth mother have prenatal care? Was she on or used drugs and/or alcohol during her pregnancy? Is there a medical history of birth defects in the birth mother or birth father’s families?

The social worker will want to know you plan on how and when you will tell the child that they are adopted. They also need to know how open you both want with the adoption and how much contact you are will to have between you and the birth mother. It is recommended that you both attend adoption workshops, read books relating to the generalities of the baby/child you want to adopt. It is recommended that you attend special classes to prepare you for the possible obstacles that are associated with adopting a child of mixed or different race than yourselves, and how to incorporate their ethnic heritage into all of your lives. There are also classes that can prepare you to adopt a child that may have medical challenges, or emotional and/or physiological disorders. These classes are very important because they give you a clear idea of the obstacles, limitations and challenges that come with each issue. They will give advise on each issue and how best to parent the child that may have one or all of these issues. They want you to have a clear understanding of each issue so that you are able to make an informed decision regarding the condition of the baby/child that you wish to adopt and parent.

The home study will also include your religious and spiritual backgrounds along with your current beliefs and practices. Most birth mothers will ask about your spiritual beliefs and practices. They will want to know how you plan to raise a child surrounding your beliefs and practices.

Your educational values and personal aspirations for your upcoming child are noted in the home study. Also discussed, your plans on parenting which will enable your child to reach their full potential in their life.

Lastly, the home study will include reports from your doctor/s on your mental and medical health.

Once all interviews are conducted, all forms completed, and all issues are clarified and approved, the social worker will type up the official home study report. You are now officially approved to adopt a baby or child. Most couples find, after the home study is typed and approved, that they worried needlessly through the home study process. At this point, the agency or attorney will begin the process of presenting you to birth mothers making an adoption plan. You are now on your journey of upcoming adoption and the glorious moment of becoming a new parent. The journey is well worth it so “sit back and enjoy the ride”.

The language that society used in the past, and currently today, concerning adoption is not politically correct or emotionally tolerant of adoption and the families that surround these adoptions.

The phrases or words used to discuss adoption, both formally and some times in today’s society, are negative.

Here are some examples of adoption language and the positive way to discuss the issues:

• Birthparents are labeled as the real parent, however, they are the biological parent. A parent is anyone that takes the child in for a lifetime, cares, loves, and nurtures the child. To be a parent they are not required to give birth to that child.
• When adoptive parents introduced their children, they would refer to them as our adopted child, especially if they had their own biological child. Adopted children are not always happy being introduced as different from the other children. Many older adoptees have self-esteem issues before adoption and if introduced in this manner, it only reinforces their opinion of themselves that they are different or of lesser value than the biological child does. The adoptive parents should always introduce the child as “their child”, not “my adopted child”.
• One of the most damaging labels that adoptive child are sometimes called is “illegitimate”. Edna Gladney went through legislation in Texas to change the laws regarding birth certificates. Through her tireless efforts, a bill passed that made Texas the first state to legally remove the information area on birth certificates that signifies legitimate or illegitimate. The child in these cases has no responsibility in the matter and therefore, if need be, should never be referred to as illegitimate but rather, a child that was born to an unmarried couple.
• Many in society refer to adoptive parents as “they could not have children”. Adoptive parents are very sensitive about this matter. They have gone through the painful journey of infertility; financially, physically and emotionally. A better way to say it is, “they could not conceive or could not carry a pregnancy”. It is not a point that they could not have children because through adoption they are able to have children.
• Adoptive parents are labeled as “not the real parents of the child”. A parent is someone that wants their children to grow up happy, safe, healthy, and loved so that they can reach their full potential within themselves. They want these children to reach their all their dreams and aspirations. These parents are financially, emotionally and physically able to provide for their children. These adoptive parents should be referred to as “the parent”. A parent need not give birth to the child to still fulfill the role of parent.
• Adopted children are labeled as “the unwanted child”. All children everywhere are wanted by someone. They are “a child in need of a family”.

For the birth parents/biological parents, they are also discussed in many negative ways. This is very hurtful and comes from misinformation relating to adoption.

Here are a few examples of positive adoption language:

• I have heard many times, “I just don’t know how the birthmother could give up her baby for adoption”. Birth mothers are to be commended upon their decision to “not parent the child” because they understand their circumstances, and some times, their very limited resources. They have decided to love their baby so much that they have decided to do what is best for their baby, knowing that the baby will need someone else to fill the role of parent. This is referred as an adoption plan.
• When the biological mother changes her mind about the adoption plan, it is commonly stated “she is keeping her baby”. In reality, she is choosing to parent her baby.
• Birth mothers are said to have had an “unwanted pregnancy”. No one can really know what goes through the woman’s mind and heart while she is pregnant. Her pregnancy is simply “an unplanned pregnancy”.

Many adoptees of all ages face a very challenging and painful aspect of their adoption. Often they are asked hurtful, personal and intrusive questions. This is what differentiates them from other children. Some of these questions are about their own personal adoption and sometimes these questions come up from people that see newspaper and magazine articles, news broadcasts, events, movies or even televisions shows that depict someone that is adopted. They expect the adopted child to give them answers about adoption as if they have all the answers and assume they are the experts on the subject. This sometimes makes it very difficult and uncomfortable about sharing their adoption experience. Because of this, some adopted children will never share with others about their adoption. They try to escape the pressure of all the questions.

Some of these questions they are unable to answer merely because they have not had time to process their own adoption and have not come to answers about it for themselves. Sometimes the questions have not even come across their minds to even think about.

People can never understand what it is like for the adopted child unless they themselves have walked in their shoes. Here are some of the questions that are usually asked of adoptees: 

• How does it feel to know that you are adopted?
• Are you sad/happy that you know you are adopted?
• Does being adopted make you feel different from other people?
• Do other kids make fun of you when they find that you are adopted?
• Where is your real mother?
• Were you adopted because your mom and dad abused you?
• What were your real mother and father like?
• Have you ever seen your real mother and father?
• Where are they from?
• Are you ever going to search for them?
• What do you think they are like?
• Why did they give you up for adoption?
• Did you ever live in an orphanage or foster home?
• What was that like?
• Were you ever abused in the foster home/orphanage?
• Was your mom and dad married?
• Did your dad just leave your mom when she told him she was pregnant?
• Do you have any brothers or sisters?
• Were they also adopted, and where are they at now?
• Did your mom keep any of your brothers or sisters?
• Do you all have the same birthparents?
• Do you ever wonder what you will look like when you grow up?
• Was your mom or dad on drugs or alcohol?
• Did your mom and dad live on the streets?
• Was your mom a prostitute?
• How much did your adopted parents have to pay for you?
• Do you think that they ever regret adopting you?
• Do you regret being adopted?
• Do your other brothers and or sisters in your adopted family treat you different because you were adopted and they were not?
• Do your adopted parents baby you because you were adopted?
• When did they tell you that you were adopted?
• How does it feel to be a different race from your adopted parents?
• Do you think that they understand that you want to be like other kids of the same race as you?
• Do your new relatives treat you different from the other kids in the family?
• Do you know other kids that are adopted?
• Do you prefer to keep your adoption a secret? 

Before you pose any of these questions to an adopted child, ask yourself, would I want to be asked such personal questions? Can you just imagine what it would feel like for a four, five or six year-old child to be asked these questions? Even to the older child these would be very difficult and more than likely make them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. 

As parents of adopted children, parents need to understand that these questions are posed to their adopted child in schools, on the playgrounds, at sporting events, at church, at sleepovers, and even at family gatherings. Most of the time, these questions come at the most inopportune times and in front of other friends and family, which only heightens the embarrassment or shame. These questions are asked sometimes just innocently, but many times their friends, teachers, coaches, neighbors and schoolmates ask them.

Some of the best responses that an adopted child could give at these times are to say, “I would rather not talk about it.”  On the other hand, “This is my business and is too personal. Or sometimes just walking away from the person can help the situation. 

Adopted parents are also asked personal questions about the adoption; however, they are much more prepared to answer the question or have ready made answers to the question that let the person know that it is a personal matter and not to be discussed. One of the most asked question to adoptive parents is, “Is that your real child?” In addition, the response should always be, “Of course, she/he is a real child and she/he is our daughter/son.” 

Until the public is more educated about the reasons, the process, and the joy of adoption these questions will be asked. I hope that soon the media and press will be more vigilant about educating the public about issues surrounding adoption. 

To all families touched with adoption ~ “Stand strong and proud”

The adoption process is a very delicate situation that all adoptive parents need to understand. They need to realize that it is not about them, it is about the child.

These children often come into adoption knowing that they were not wanted or that their biological parents were unable to care for them. This brings a myriad of emotions and thoughts about their situation or about themselves that needs to be explored and thought out.

Here are a few things you should avoid doing at all costs with your adoptive child.

• Be very vague about the child’s biological parents. Many adoptive parents do this feeling as if they are protecting the child and many times this only makes the situation worse.
• Refuse to ever talk about the adoption and just insist that the child is theirs and that is just the way that it is.
• Making the child feel guilty or ungrateful when they ask any question about their background or their biological parents.
• Making the child feel guilty or ungrateful if they question why they were adopted.
• Tell the child that they must have done something wrong for their biological parents not to want them.
• Tell the child that they should be grateful and in their “debt” because they “saved” them.
• Make the child feel disloyal if they talk about their birthparents or want to make excuses for them.
• Making the child feel guilty if they share that they are adopted with other people.
• Not recognizing that the child has a set of biological parents and adoptive parents.
• Introducing the child as their “adoptive” child.
• Make the child feel that they had to “settle” because of their own infertility.
• Not acknowledging the birth parents abuse or neglect of the child. Or refusing to even speak of it, thinking that they are protecting the child.
• Refuse to offer professional help to the older adoptee. Ignoring that they may have issues that they need someone to talk to about.
• Thinking that if they just loved them enough that it will “fix” all of the child’s issues or concerns.

Below is a description of one woman’s struggle to deal with finding out that she was adopted…

I was born in September of 1960’s to a nurse in Washington State. She was 26 and unmarried. She had me at the hospital and left me the next day, unnamed and alone. The doctor that delivered me named me and even brought me to his home to be cared for by his wife until Catholic Charities came to bring me to a foster home.

Three months later, I was adopted by a military family stationed in Spokane, WA. My Mom and Dad drove through a snowstorm to come and pick me up at the foster home. Mom said that I was her Christmas present. My Dad was in the Air Force. They met and married when they where very young. I think that Mom married Dad in large part just to get out of the abusive situation that she was in with Grandpa and Grandma. They were very harsh with her. As we look back now she went from one abusive situation to another. Dad was just as bad. He controlled everything. Mom did not even learn how to drive until she was in her 30’s and was never allowed to have a job or outside friends.

We lived in Washington until I was six. We then moved to Louisiana, where I lived for the rest of my childhood.

I have an older sister and she is nine years older than I am. She is also the only biological child my parents had. My sister currently resides in Louisiana and attended law school. She has been married four times and has four children and five grandchildren.

I also have an older brother. He is seven years older than I am. He was adopted in Morocco, Africa while my parents were stationed there. My parents decided to quit loaning him money after he became an adult so he moved and he has not been in contact since.

My older sister and brother are not very close to me. The age gap was just too much for there to be much of a connection. I have not spoken to or had contact with my brother in 21 years. My sister has not been in touch in about 18 years. Her choice, not mine.

I also have a younger brother. There is only a two-year difference between us so we are much closer. We were able to grow up and go to school together. He was also adopted in Washington. He now lives in England, just north of London with his wife and two girls. We stay in close contact and have a great relationship. As we were growing up, we fought constantly. It was as adults that we became true friends. With maturity comes better insight into others.

My parents divorced after 42 years of marriage. The court battle that preceded it was nasty and was the main reason for our family being divided. My sister chose my father’s side and that is why she refuses to stay in touch with my mom or me. My father now resides in Natchitoches and stays in touch sporadically. I had to testify at the divorce hearing about him having an affair. It is amazing to me how doing something that he always taught me to do, tell the truth, is what finally came between us. I have tried to stay in touch but he is reluctant.

My mother now resides in Texas and I guess is doing well. She chooses to have nothing to do with me after I contacted my birth mother in 2006. I needed some questions answered about her and my biological father. She was on her deathbed and I felt like I had to go see her before she died. I received no information from her, she made it all about her, and then she died two weeks later. My adoptive mother has not contacted or spoke to me since then. I have tried to call but she will not answer the phone. I have sent letters and cards but she just puts them in larger envelopes and returns them unopened.

My father still lives in Louisiana and we have now reconciled our relationship and have made a fresh start.

(more…)

The search for a personal sense of identity is normal among adolescents. However, to the adoptee it comes with the adoption process. Alternatively, it comes with the foster child that is placed in a foster home.

They wonder the same things. They ask themselves the same questions:

• Why did my biological parents not want me?
• What is so wrong with me that they did not want me or want to fight for me?
• Was I a bad child and they could not handle me?
• If I had been a better-behaved child, would they have kept me?
• Was it because I was not smart enough, pretty enough, etc?
• Am I just trash that is to be thrown away?
• What could I have done different to make them change their minds?
• If I had been born a girl/boy would that have changed their minds?
• If my biological dad had been there, would my mom have given me up for adoption?
• Was I that much of a burden for my biological parents?
• Did I disappoint them in some way?
• Am I less valuable than the biological child that is raised by its own parents?
• What do people think of me when they find out that I am a foster child or adoptee?
• Will they hold that against me?
• Will they just pity me?
• Do my new parents just feel sorry for me or do they really love me? And why?
• Do my new parents have expectations that I will never be able to fill?
• What if I mess up, will they send me back? Will they regret adopting me or taking me into their home as a foster child?
• Why do other parents go to any lengths for their children, but mine could not.
• If my adoptive parents/foster parents really knew the true me, would they still want me here?
• How can I test them to make sure that they really love me? How far can I push “the envelope” with them?
• If my birth parents are so immoral and despicable, does that mean that I am also?
• Is that my future and I have no choice in it?
• Why do I have these persistent feeling of shame and guilt even though I know that it was not my fault that they did not want me?
• Why do I let myself be defined by being an adoptee/foster child?
• What will the other kids at school think of me as a foster child or of me, if they find out that I was adopted?
• I want to trust my new foster parents/adoptive parents, but why is it so hard for me?

Because of these and many more questions, these children may need help from therapists who offer treatment for identity disorders.

Adoptive parents and foster parents always need to check their own attitudes about foster care or adoption. This will enable the foster child or adoptee to understand their efforts to help.

May is National Foster Care Month. This is a great time to recognize and honor the many families that open their homes and make a huge difference in the lives of children. These families take in these children while their parents are working on various issues or while the state works to terminate the parent’s custody so that these children can be adopted. National Foster Care Month is also a great time to recognize and honor all the relative caregivers, the social workers, the mentors, and the volunteers that work with these children and provide safety and care for them. Everyone involved play a vital role in helping the child, youth, and the families that are in crisis to heal.

Foster families provide not only safety but also nurturing care, assistance with schooling, medical care, emotional support, physiological support, and stability that these children so desperately need. These families help these children and youths to see that there is hope and many opportunities for them in life. They teach them to make wise choices in their lives. They teach them what a healthy thriving family looks like. In addition, they teach these children and youths that they are valuable and worth fighting for.

Foster families are in great demand in all states. It takes commitment and determination, but the payoff is the knowledge that they have made a difference in the lives of these children and youths. They care for these children until it is safe for them to return to their homes or until they are adopted.

According to the Texas Child Protective Services (CPS) annual report for 2007 the number of children and youth in foster care for 2006 was 34,275 and for 2007 the number of children and youth in foster care was 33,615. This is an alarming number of children and the need for foster families is always high. Foster parents receive reimbursements for the cost of caring for these children. CPS sets up all appointments for the medical, dental, and various therapies that these children need. The state pays for all charges.

Take the time to recognize and honor all of these families, volunteers, and state workers that care for these children and youths.

John and Jennifer were living in Arizona, working full time, and leading busy lives. John had a successful career as a software engineer and Jennifer a registered nurse. They had been married for 3 years. One Sunday while at church, they met Mrs. Lively. After getting to know her they found out that she was 70 years old, diagnosed with cancer, and had been fostering her great nephew. She needed someone that could become foster parents to Scott since she was no longer able to care for him.

Scott’s mother had disappeared when he was just 3 years old and no one knew of her whereabouts. Her whole intention was to care for Scott until his father’s release from prison and he could assume the responsibility of a full time parent again. Unfortunately, that never happened. His father remained in prison and could not assume custody of him.  Mrs. Lively decided to take him into her home and care for him. Scott had experienced major traumas in his life. Since the age of 8, Scott had been physically and emotionally abused, and he was severely overweight. 

Once John and Jennifer learned of Mrs. Lively’s situation, they both decided to take Scott into their home. They petitioned the court and became temporary foster parents to Scott. Their initial decision was to be temporary foster parents, not to adopt Scott.

In 1999, John was laid off from his job. John and Jennifer soon after decided to move to Texas. They once again went to family court, but this time to request that Scott be allowed to move with them to Texas, and their request was granted.

Soon after their move, Jennifer became pregnant with her first child, Charles. Once Scott heard of the pregnancy, he told John and Jennifer how badly he wanted a mother and a father. He said, “Charles is going to have one of the best gifts ever, a mother and father that will love him for the rest of his life.” After much prayer, John and Jennifer once again went to family court, but this time to ask that they be allowed the privilege of adopting Scott. Their request was granted. Scott was so happy to assume the role of big brother.

John and Jennifer, after the birth of Charles, tried very hard to make Scott feel just as loved and important was their biological child. Many children that are adopted into families that also has biological children always go through the process of determining where they fit in and deal with identity crisis. Any parent that adopts a child needs to be ever vigilant to reassure that child that they are equally loved and cherished. Some times this takes years. 

John and Jennifer have had many challenging times with Scott over the years but also the couple says that there are tons of happy memories too. Their message to anyone that is considering adoption or becoming foster parents is to realize that they are standing in the gap for the children that so desperately need care. In addition, to realize that the children who come out of foster care and are ready to be adopted usually do not fit the “picture perfect idea of a dream child.”

These children have been in foster care and have been abused, but are able to heal and lead very productive lives. All they need is that one couple that can bring them into their home, along with all the “issues that they come with”. These children desperately need someone that is going to love them unconditionally for the rest of their lives.

My friend, Susan and her husband Bill, were happily living in Arizona. Both professionals in their field and living the good life except for one thing. They desperately wanted children. Both of them felt that their lives would be complete if they had children.

The couple researched infertility treatments and like most other couples, found that they are very expensive and very emotionally draining. Not to mention, tons of visits to the doctor’s offices with no guarantee of success.

Susan and Bill went through the whole infertility regime for 2 years and at the cost of approximately $10,000 before deciding not to resume more treatments.

A caseworker that Susan knew through her consulting work suggested another option, adoption. At this point, Susan was 26. They were unsure if this was the direction, they wanted to take. Domestic adoptions are usually quite a long process and do not provide much of a guarantee of healthy infant. By the age of 29, they decided to adopt an infant to bless their family internationally.

They had heard about some success stories of other couples adopting through South Korea, so they, after much prayer and contemplation, chose that route. They used Dillon International out of Arizona, because they felt that the organization was committed to the lifetime care of these children.

Dillon International is based on the concept and belief in the Great Commission of Jesus Christ. More research is available on Dillon International by going to http://www.dillonadopt.com.    

In South Korea, when a woman becomes pregnant she has the option of hiding the pregnancy until birth or go to one of the Korean Social Services until the baby is born. In South Korea several years ago, most birth mothers kept the pregnancy a secret. Society and their families could completely reject them and turn them out to the streets. If society and the families knew of the pregnancy, these women could and most times became unemployable and unmarriageable. If the biological father wanted to acknowledge the baby he would have the child listed in his family blood lines, because most families follow the teachings of Confucius and the blood lines are very important. These children are then listed on the family registry. 

Once the birth mother decides to check into an adoption birth home, she would relinquish her rights upon checking in. Most birth mothers relinquished their rights to the baby by either her signature or a red thumbprint on the documents in lieu of the signature. She is also asked to write a brief paragraph of herself and the biological father and divulge any family medical history if she so choose. With the lack of government documentation as it is here in the United States it is possible for the birth mother to give a fictitious name and/or not even mention the biological father’s name. 

Once these babies are placed in orphanages they are usually cared for by foster parents. These are usually of grandparent age. These parents are provided with the formula, diapers, wipes, etc. that they baby would need. They are responsible for making sure that the babies receive all the proper medical care and immunizations. These babies are emotionally, physically stable babies, and lack many of the issues that come with babies and infants that have been institionalized. Most children past the age of three are not available for international adoption and are cared for by foster parents, families of the biological parents or orphanages. 

(more…)

Sometimes the tems used during the adoption process can be difficult to understand. We have compiled a short glossary of commonly used terms to help you understand some of the things that an adoption attorney might say to you. (more…)