Many adoptees of all ages face a very challenging and painful aspect of their adoption. Often they are asked hurtful, personal and intrusive questions. This is what differentiates them from other children. Some of these questions are about their own personal adoption and sometimes these questions come up from people that see newspaper and magazine articles, news broadcasts, events, movies or even televisions shows that depict someone that is adopted. They expect the adopted child to give them answers about adoption as if they have all the answers and assume they are the experts on the subject. This sometimes makes it very difficult and uncomfortable about sharing their adoption experience. Because of this, some adopted children will never share with others about their adoption. They try to escape the pressure of all the questions.

Some of these questions they are unable to answer merely because they have not had time to process their own adoption and have not come to answers about it for themselves. Sometimes the questions have not even come across their minds to even think about.

People can never understand what it is like for the adopted child unless they themselves have walked in their shoes. Here are some of the questions that are usually asked of adoptees: 

• How does it feel to know that you are adopted?
• Are you sad/happy that you know you are adopted?
• Does being adopted make you feel different from other people?
• Do other kids make fun of you when they find that you are adopted?
• Where is your real mother?
• Were you adopted because your mom and dad abused you?
• What were your real mother and father like?
• Have you ever seen your real mother and father?
• Where are they from?
• Are you ever going to search for them?
• What do you think they are like?
• Why did they give you up for adoption?
• Did you ever live in an orphanage or foster home?
• What was that like?
• Were you ever abused in the foster home/orphanage?
• Was your mom and dad married?
• Did your dad just leave your mom when she told him she was pregnant?
• Do you have any brothers or sisters?
• Were they also adopted, and where are they at now?
• Did your mom keep any of your brothers or sisters?
• Do you all have the same birthparents?
• Do you ever wonder what you will look like when you grow up?
• Was your mom or dad on drugs or alcohol?
• Did your mom and dad live on the streets?
• Was your mom a prostitute?
• How much did your adopted parents have to pay for you?
• Do you think that they ever regret adopting you?
• Do you regret being adopted?
• Do your other brothers and or sisters in your adopted family treat you different because you were adopted and they were not?
• Do your adopted parents baby you because you were adopted?
• When did they tell you that you were adopted?
• How does it feel to be a different race from your adopted parents?
• Do you think that they understand that you want to be like other kids of the same race as you?
• Do your new relatives treat you different from the other kids in the family?
• Do you know other kids that are adopted?
• Do you prefer to keep your adoption a secret? 

Before you pose any of these questions to an adopted child, ask yourself, would I want to be asked such personal questions? Can you just imagine what it would feel like for a four, five or six year-old child to be asked these questions? Even to the older child these would be very difficult and more than likely make them feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. 

As parents of adopted children, parents need to understand that these questions are posed to their adopted child in schools, on the playgrounds, at sporting events, at church, at sleepovers, and even at family gatherings. Most of the time, these questions come at the most inopportune times and in front of other friends and family, which only heightens the embarrassment or shame. These questions are asked sometimes just innocently, but many times their friends, teachers, coaches, neighbors and schoolmates ask them.

Some of the best responses that an adopted child could give at these times are to say, “I would rather not talk about it.”  On the other hand, “This is my business and is too personal. Or sometimes just walking away from the person can help the situation. 

Adopted parents are also asked personal questions about the adoption; however, they are much more prepared to answer the question or have ready made answers to the question that let the person know that it is a personal matter and not to be discussed. One of the most asked question to adoptive parents is, “Is that your real child?” In addition, the response should always be, “Of course, she/he is a real child and she/he is our daughter/son.” 

Until the public is more educated about the reasons, the process, and the joy of adoption these questions will be asked. I hope that soon the media and press will be more vigilant about educating the public about issues surrounding adoption. 

To all families touched with adoption ~ “Stand strong and proud”

My husband and I have had the privilege and honor of being foster care parents now for   4 years and I can honestly say there is no greater joy than taking care of foster children, other than taking care of, loving and raising our own two children.

Our son had graduated from high school and was in college when we decided to become foster parents. Our daughter was a senior in high school. Being natural caregivers, it just made sense to begin fostering children. We both dreaded the empty nest syndrome that we knew was looming overhead.

We have the honor of picking up most of our babies straight out of the local hospital nurseries.  Some stay with us for a couple of hours and some stay for months. It is different with every baby. We take care of babies for a local adoption agency. Most times the babies are adopted, however on some occasions the biological parents decide to parent the babies themselves.

There is a great misconception among society on the adoption process and the biological parent’s decision not to parent the child. Some see it as the biological parents “giving away the child,” when in reality the biological parents are making a plan for another family to parent their child. (more…)

Most adoptions go smoothly; however, sometimes problems will come up. Although these issues will require some adjustments, they are not necessarily deal breakers. An adoption attorney or agency will know the best way to avert problems and whom you can trust in the adoption process. Adoption agencies and adoption attorneys handle many adoptions and can guide you through the process with minimal chances of problems occurring. There are some warning signs that you should look out for in the adoption process.

The warning signs for public adoption agencies could include:
• The caseworker not providing details or being vague about the child’s background.
• You are not given the opportunity to know the child’s medical background and status.
• The foster parents are not willing to work with you through the adoption process.
• The caseworker does not return phone calls in an appropriate amount of time.
• Your questions are not answered.
• You are not given the opportunity to get to know the child well before the adoption.
• You are not given the opportunity to meet the child before the adoption.

On private agency adoptions the warning signs are:
• The agency is unwilling or slow to provide references from prior adoptions that they have handled.
• You are not told the number of adoption that they have successfully administered each year.
• The agency is slow or does not return your phone calls.
• A large upfront fee is requested and no fee breakdown is indicated.
• The agency does not tell you or they are vague when the explain how it finds the birth mothers
• They agency is unwilling to give you complete information on the birth mother’s history and background.
• The agency promises a child faster if more money is paid up front.
• The agency pressures you to sign the agency agreement.

The warning signs for international adoptions are:
• The agency does not provide references when requested.
• The agency does not promptly return phone calls or is unable to answer your questions about the child, the adoption or the birth mother.
• The agency does not encourage or allow you to obtain a medical evaluation of the child you have chosen before finalizing the adoption.
• When traveling to the country from which you are adopting the child, the agency does not provide escorts, translators and interpreters.
• A large fee is required up front along with a small application fee.
• The large fee is not refundable if the adoption falls through.
• The agency is unable or not willing to allow you any information on the birth mother.

Most adoptions are successful and are a joyful process. The best defense against these problems is working with a reputable adoption agency or an experienced adoption attorney. The adoption process should be a wonderful experience for you and your family. A problem filled adoption process is very stressful for you and your family and can be averted by using an agency or an adoption attorney.